Feeling a bit square peg in a round hole.

I can totally relate to my teenager.
Lately I’ve been feeling like a misfit– part might be blamed on the self-imposed intensive writing, musing and reading over the last week, but part is my natural even year (2008) growth starting up. My life pattern seems to be upheaval in odd years, growth and settling in during the following even year. Thing is, I’m not sure what I should be settling into.
I tell my kids it’s good “to want” because that’s what keeps us living in the day to day and making goals for tomorrow, but what about when what you think you want is SO not the same as what the people you have surrounded yourself with want?
I think (insert your higher power here) God wants more for each one of us and I don’t feel guilty reaching out my hand and turning the doorknob. I just wish I had more than a few friends who felt the same.
I wish I had a writing group that really understood me, that knew McSweeney’s and could hear Robert Olen Butler’s voice. I wish I had a stylish wealthy girlfriend who wore my size. I wish I could talk to my husband about books. I wish I didn’t feel guilty stealing time away from family to write. I wish someone would make that my only job. I wish I was more proud of my town. I wish I didn’t feel like a minority here. I wish I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, or qualify my decisions or feel like I have outgrown my skin. I am so glad that when I told my husband these things he totally got it. And maybe that’s enough for now.

8 responses on “Feeling a bit square peg in a round hole.

  1. Family Adventure

    You know that’s why the blogosphere is so good…because even if there isn’t anyone in your physical town who gets you, there’ll be someone somewhere out there.
    Have you tried looking for writing groups elsewhere?
    Try not to feel too guilty about taking time for you. In the long run, it benefits the family to have a happy mom/wife.
    Hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you!
    Heidi

  2. Julie Pippert

    AMEN!

    And you are one up on me…remember the other day when I related to my 3 year old? šŸ™‚

    Your last paragraph?

    I wish I had a writing group that really understood me

    I wish I could talk to my husband about books.

    I wish I didn’t feel guilty stealing time away from family to write. I wish someone would make that my only job.

    I wish I was more proud of my town. I wish I didn’t feel like a minority here. I wish I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, or qualify my decisions or feel like I have outgrown my skin.

    Ditto. Yep, ditto.

  3. Churlita

    At least your husband understands. That’s half the battle. It keeps things from seeming so lonely.

  4. painted maypole

    oh, I hear you on this. i was thinking today that I wish I could be more of the person that I feel I am inside… that I wish I had friends I laughed till I cried with, I wish I had creative outlets and fellow artists that I dreamed with… i wondered how to take what my life is now and get those things from it.

  5. Mary

    Oh – it is indeed taxing to be out of step with one’s town or city. I hope at least in the blogosphere you find people who understand your work, politics and parenting balance!

  6. Darlene R.

    Hi! I have never been to your blog before, I saw it listed on another blog that I was reading.

    The title of your post caught my eye and then when I read the actual post, WOW!
    I can totally relate to it. This is probably the paragraph that sums it up for me:

    I think (insert your higher power here) God wants more for each one of us and I don’t feel guilty reaching out my hand and turning the doorknob. I just wish I had more than a few friends who felt the same.
    That’s me, exactly.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.