“Feel my head. I usually don’t ask strangers to feel my head but.. well, here.”

“Oooh. It’s got two holes, like a bowling ball.”

“Hey! Over here! You wanna feel my head?”

“I first had it in The Caymans.”

“Isn’t it great?”

“Oh yeah. I brought some home!”

“Really?”

“Sure. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t give all my girlfriends some Big Black Dick?”

“I love Meatloaf.”

“Me too, especially with ketchup.”

“Not the food, the guy. Whatever happened to him?”

“I don’t know- Hey trivia…who’s this singing the girl part?”

“Debbie Harry!”

“No way. I think it was some nobody.”

“I’m going to go to hell for what I’m thinking.”

“I’m serious. The neighbor girl does Special Olympics Gymnastics.”

“Okay, I am definitely going to go to hell for what I’m thinking. I mean, what kind of events do they have for Special Olympics Gymnastics? Do they get prizes for rolling over? Starting and stopping?”

“Did you ever hear the Stephen Lynch song?”

“Congratulations on that award you won.”

“What award?”

“You know. That writing award…”

“Uh, noooo…”

“Come on. Wait, so you really didn’t win an award?”

“Officer, I find it hard to believe I was going 51. I mean I saw you parked there.”

“Yes sir, I actually clocked you on the low side- after you saw me.”